Wherever the Road Leads

Funny vs The Three Stooges

I’ve never liked ‘slapstick’. Never liked The Three Stooges. Never liked Soupy Sales’ pie-in-the-face. Humor, to me, is wit. What wit does it take to poke someone in the eye, get a pie in the face or be mocked and looked down on? Those, to me are the lowest form of humor, a title usually reserved for puns.

I like puns. Thinking is required to invent a pun and to understand one. “She was only the innkeeper’s daughter but all the horseman knew her.” Say it quickly and out loud, it’s one of my long-time favorites.

She was only the bootlegger’s daughter, but he loved her still.

She was only the cab driver’s daughter but all the boys wanted to meter.

Little Johnny’s teacher: “Johnny, please use fascinate, in a sentence.” Little Johnny replied, “I have a jacket with nine buttons, but I can only fasten eight.”

Okay, now down to the serious groaners….
 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 


 
 

In case you didn’t get them all, here’s some hints…

“YOLO” = You Only Live Once”, and Han Solo was portrayed by Harrison Ford all those eons ago.

On his computer, this individual is saving the file, ‘private ryan’. Thus, “Saving Private Ryan.”

A group of crows is referred to as a “murder”. Two crows falls short of a group.

Any small line attached to the end of a stroke in a letter is called a “serif”. Serifs make a letter look fancier but do not always make it more readable. This particular typeface is “sans-serif”, nothing fancy but easy to read.

The goose’s brood – goslings – have had the face of the actor, Ryan Gosling, photoshopped onto their own faces.

 
 

Hilarious? Maybe not, but at least some thought was put into them.

It was the much-anticipated premiere of the Bolshoi Ballet in Moscow. The curtain was late in rising. After some delay, the Master of Ceremonies came through the curtain to break the news to the audience that they couldn’t get the stage lights to work but not to worry, with the advanced state of Russian Technology, the lights would be working very shortly.

Much time elapsed before the MC once more came through the curtain to announce that even with advanced Russian technology, they were having difficulty getting the stage lights to work.

At that, a Chinese fellow from the front row raised his hands and said he could get things rectified very quickly. Doubtful, but with nothing to lose, the Master of Ceremonies invited the Chinese fellow to come forward.

The Chinese fellow came on stage. He asked of the audience, “Would everyone on the right hand side of the theater please raise your right hand?” They did.

“Would everyone on the left hand side of the theater please raise your left hand?”

They did and immediately the stage lights came on, blazing in their full brilliance.

“That’s amazing!”, said the Russian Master of Ceremonies. “How could you, a visitor from China, get the lights to come on when the greatest Russian Technology could not?”

The Chinese fellow replied, “It is an ancient Chinese proverb that says “Many hands make light work.”
 

Don’t suffer alone… tell that one to someone else.

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Comments

  1. Young Lady  September 19, 2013

    My momma would love these, but she might not get the Ryan one!
    Great post.

    reply
  2. Mike G  September 19, 2013

    I love a good joke! I like slapstick, i like the ones that make you think and love the ones you have to pay attention to while reading. My favorite’s are one with a lesson.
    Lesson 1:
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
    The dung was actually thawing him out!
    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
    (3) And when you’re in deep shit, it’s best to keep your mouth shut!

    Lesson 2:
    A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
    The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
    When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
    Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’
    After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
    The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
    When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
    ‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
    ‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’

    Moral of the story:
    If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

    reply
  3. Mike G  September 19, 2013

    Some of my favorites are when they are true stories, like the yearly Darwin Awards.
    Here is the link:
    http://www.darwinawards.com/darwin/

    Yes, The Darwin Awards are out again
    It’s that magical time of year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us .

    Here is the glorious winner:
    1. When his .38 caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach , California would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.

    And now, the Honorable mentions:
    2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting machine and after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger.. The chef’s claim was approved.
    3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
    4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
    5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
    6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer… $15. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?]
    7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
    8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
    9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti , Michigan at 5 A.M., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast… The frustrated gunman walked away.

    And Finally, the 5-STAR “STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER”
    10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had and the perp had been punished enough!

    reply

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