Wherever the Road Leads

Early Retirement

On my recent birthday, I turned 62. That makes me eligible for Old Age Benefits from the two countries in which I have worked – Canada and the United States. Claiming “early” benefits decreases the amount of entitlement: collect at age 62 as opposed to a week before you pass on over, and your monthly benefit amount is reduced.

While a great deal of information is available online and the claim process can be started, you have to see a Social Security employee in person to get things rolling. Typical to so many government offices, particularly in the South, the woman handling my claim was Black.

She told me that this was a particularly good time to retire – under President Obama – as he is very generous with the hard-earned tax dollars of the white middle class and the seventeen trillion dollars on loan from the small-cash.com lender. She punched some figures into her computer.

“Looks like your monthly retirement benefit could be as much as $3,600,” she said, “but there are a few adjustments.” I could barely contain my excitement.

“First off,” she said, “I can’t help but noticing that you’re not Black. That reduces your benefit amount.”

“By how much?” I asked, surprised.

“Ninety percent,” she replied, ” down to $360 per month. But let’s see if we can get you some credits.”

“Okay, let’s hope so,” I said weakly.

“Have you ever collected Welfare?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Been on Food Stamps?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Lived in subsidized housing?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Mr. McBrearty”, she said, “you’re not giving me much to work with. Have you ever spent 80% of your paycheck on red tennis shoes?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Spinner hub caps?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Have you fathered any illegitimate children?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Are you behind on Child Support payments?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Mr. McBrearty, what have you done all your life?”

“Well, for the past ten years, worked second shift in a warehouse.”

“H-m-m-m-m… well, have you ever done time in a county, state or federal institution at taxpayer’s expense?”

“No, ma’am.”

“Then Mr. McBrearty, I’m afraid there is nothing I can do to increase this amount. You have to already have been a burden on the taxpayer for you to qualify for Mr. Obama’s generosity.

“Now, there is a note here from the NSA that says you once did a Blog piece on how American Blacks should not be called “African Americans.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Mr. McBrearty, despite the fact that the vast majority of “African Americans” in Fulton County have barely been beyond the Perimeter, never been out of the State of Georgia and would struggle to find Africa on a globe, we need a bond with our heritage. Many of us do not know who our fathers are. Some do, thanks to Maury Pauvich. Have you ever been to Africa, Mr. McBrearty?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Were there black people there?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Were they African?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Is this America, Mr. McBrearty?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Am I Black?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“I rest my case. The NSA entry also states that you have an issue with the many streets being renamed “Martin Luther King, Jr. Blvd” but there are no streets to honor General Robert E. Lee.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Things aren’t looking good, Mr. McBrearty. I calculate your benefit at $17.22 per month.”

“Wow… how can I retire on that?”

“Well, we’re not done yet. There may be hope.”

“I hope so.”

“Mr. McBrearty, are you eligible for a pension from a foreign source?”

“Yes, ma’am, I paid into Canada Pension for many years. Does that affect my benefit amount?”

“Yes it does, Mr. McBrearty. Considerably. I calculate the final amount to be $438.91 monthly.”

“Well,” I said, at least it’s some money coming to me. That’s a relief.”

“No, Mr. McBrearty, you don’t understand. That’s what you owe us each month. We can take post-dated checks or you can put a credit card on file.

“Enjoy your retirement, Mr. McBrearty.”

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  1. Young Lady  August 24, 2013

    i see you go the creative juices flowing again. Sharp wit as always.

  2. Mike G  September 10, 2013

    Gordon, I know you are joking with that but I wonder how close to the truth you are with it?


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