Wherever the Road Leads

Butter my butt…

…and call me a biscuit!

In celebration of the International Biscuit Festival in Knoxville, Tn., here is a post to he’p all y’all furrners from north of the Mason-Dixon Line – like I used to be – speaking English here in the South.


Yes, there really IS an International Biscuit Festival, in Knoxville from May 18th – 20th. Details, tickets and applications for Mr. and Mrs. Biscuit or to submit an entry to the Biscuit Songwriting Competition can be found by clicking on the logo.

First off, the expression “Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.” is to express great surprise, similar to, “Is that right?” or “Well, I’ll be!”. Similar expressions in the South might be:

    • Paint me green and call me a cucumber.
    • Slap me with bread and call me a sandwich.
    • Pin my tail and call me a donkey.
    • Fry me in butter and call me a catfish.

There are a thousand expressions here in the South, like…

So buck toothed he could eat corn-on-the-cob through a key hole.

Nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full o’ rocking chairs.

So poor he’d have to borrow money to buy water to cry with.

That’s a gracious plenty (when being offered something)

He ran like a scalded dog.

Just as happy as if he had good sense.

So dull he couldn’t cut hot butter with a knife.

Crazier than a run-over dog.

Tougher than a one-eared alley cat.

Scared my mule (when something really startled them)

Better than snuff, ain’t half as dusty.

So ugly she’d run a dog off a meat wagon.

… but the purpose of this post is to assist with ever’day words. So here is a partial Southern U.S. to English dictionary:

BARD – verb. Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – noun. A state just north of Florida.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

MUNTS – noun. A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts.”

IGNERRT – adjective. Not smart. See “Auburn Alumni.”
Usage: “Them northerners sure are ignerrt! Act like they ain’t had no raisin’.”

RANCH – noun. A tool.
Usage: “I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – noun. Combustion.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh doesn’t change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.”

TAR – noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh doesn’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – noun. A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willing and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

HOT – noun. A blood-pumping organ. HOD – adverb. Not easy.
Usage: “A broken hot is hod to fix.”

RETARD – Verb. To stop working.
Usage: “My granpaw retard at age 65.”

TARRED – adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: “I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.”

RATS – noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats.” Southerners have very friendly rats … in fact, you could almost say that we have some downright civil rats.)

LOT – adjective. Luminescent.
Usage: “I dream of Jeanie with the lot-brown hair.”

FURRIN – adjective. Not local.
Usage: “I cain’t unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some furrin country.”

DID – adjective. Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: “He can’t breathe … give ’em some ear!”

BOB WAR – noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JU-HERE – a question.
Usage: “Juhere that former Dallas Cowboys’ coach Jimmy Johnson recently toured the University of Alabama?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignerrt.”

SEED – verb, past tense. VIEW – contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

HEAVY DEW – phrase. A request for action.
Usage: “Kin I heavy dew me a favor?”

WARSH – verb. To clean. SQUARSH – noun. A vegetable (also verb – to flatten).
Usage: “Warsh that squarsh, Bubba … you don’t know where its been!” “Bubba, Squarsh that bug!”

GUMMIT – Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: “Great … ANOTHER gummit shutdow!”

CAYUT: A furry animal, a pet much beloved by little girls but detested by adults when it engages in mating rituals in the middle of the night.
Usage:”Be sure to put the cayut out-side afore you go to beyud.”


Now, the word “y’all” seems to cause some confusion. “Y’all” is always plural, even when talking to an individual. “What time do y’all close?” or “Do y’all sell Goody’s Powder?” might be asked of a store clerk standing there by herself, but refers to the entire store, employees, managers and Board of Directors.

All y’all” refers to everyone in a group, “Some y’all” refers to a portion of a group. As in, “Hey y’all…some y’all are Democrats (bless your hearts) and some y’all are Republican but all y’all need to get out and vote.”

Y’all’s” is plural possessive. A mother may say to her chillens, “Both y’all need to clean y’all’s rooms.”

Y’all’ll” is future tense. “When y’all visit the Waffle House, y’all’ll have some good eatin’.”

When you think about it, it’s as plain as the rear end on a goat.

Enjoy the BiscuitFest!

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